Resolutions finally

Resolutions 2011

Personal
Spiritually:
-To draw closer to God through church attendance, serving, and recommitting to  my bible study.
-To enter into more physical activity and move my body more.  To be aware of my eating choices and to choose better things to fuel.
-To start each day in prayer and meditation to align myself and my mind with God’s will for the day.  -To write down the things that bring me happiness each day in a journal.
Relationally
-To reconnect with Brad in fun and intimate ways to continue to grow our marriage and friendship.
-To continue to tell Austin I love him out loud each morning when he wakes and each night before sleeping.  To pray with him and to continue to lead him the way God has equipped me. To have our family dedicated in the church.
-To make sure that I am encouraging to all my family members.  To be the one in my family who tells them positive and motivating things and to not be a source of negativity for them.
-To reconnect with friends and to be the one to call and initiate outings and get-togethers with them. 
Career
-To dedicate myself to learning new skills and improving my craft to better serve my clients and guests.
-To be respectful and honest with my employers.  To be understanding of their position and to not take advantage of them.
-To make sure that I continue to promote myself and not let setbacks break me.
Home
-To sit down with Brad and reorganize our finances.  To commit to making changes that will bring us peace in our financial planning.
-To de-clutter and clear areas that are stressful.  To rid our basement of all the unnecessary accumulated things we no longer need or use.

Tower Down

Too many times this fall God has pointed out something to me.  I choose to ignore it mostly but I also know in the back of my mind that God will eventually get my attention.  And I may not like the way that happens.

I have built my own "tower of Babel".  I communicate with friends and family through all the luxuries afforded to me.  I "im" my sister, email my parents, and facebook and text my friends. I was totally convicted of this yesterday as I was doing a client's hair and watched another client "talk" to a friend.  Only she wasn't talking to her friend, she was talking to her phone.  She had voice texting on her phone and would speak what she wanted typed into the phone and hit send.  The phone would then send her message to the recipient.  Suddenly, I was thinking of how silly this is.  We have so much to say to one another but we don't want to speak to each other.  We want our voices to be carried through technology.

Why do we fear communication?  Why do we choose to talk to each other in this way?  It's so cold and impersonal.  It shows the recipient that we are too busy to actually call them and speak to them so we will just do it this way.  It's quicker and less committed.

We have no idea what it's like to have conversations anymore.  Do we even know how?  What would we say to each other if we sat face-to-face with our friends?  What if we had one weekend with our closest friends where we had no access to a computer, cell phone, or land line phone?  Could we survive?

Distracted driving is dangerous. A distracted life is empty and lonely.  I will choose, starting now, to communicate with my loved ones with a voice, with my time, and with love and respect for them.  Will you?

My Twelve Days of Christmas 2009 - Day 3

Wednesday, December 16th, 2009 - On the 3rd day of Christmas, my Good Lord gave to me visitors and recovery.  
So last night, the baby went to respite so that Brad and I could get some sleep.  Though we only really got about 3 hours, it felt good to sleep uninterrupted.  They really didn't mess with me through that.  So we woke up and Brad went down to get us some breakfast.  I continued to try breastfeeding.  It honestly wasn't going so well.  I just get frustrated and he does too.  I don't know if this is going to work.  But I keep going The lactation consultant, Karen, walked in on Austin and me both crying.  She helped to calm me and gave me a simple routine to follow to make it easier.  The day went on and Brad's parents came and took pictures and helped.  
Austin got his circumcision.  I thought Dr. Epstein was going to really do what he said.  See, he was the first circumcision at the new hospital and he wanted to bronze the foreskin. Though I know he was just kidding, I think he really would have if he could have.  I have come to the conclusion now that the circumcision was really not a good thing to do to my baby.  What a painful ordeal!  Can't hospitals use non-stick gauze?  Oh, that fibrous gauze they use just sticks to the wound no matter how much vaseline you ooze all over his tiny little penis!  He would just shriek and throw his hands down toward it every time we changed his diaper.  Egads!  I would never do that again.  I know he won't remember it, but I will.  I also would never declaw my cat...same issue.
Then the visitors started to flow in slowly.  First was Julie.  I was so happy to see her.  She came in when she had a break at work.  She was the first non-family to get to hold Austin (besides the nurses of course).  While she was there, I was watching her with my back to the door when I heard the voice I know all too well.  My mom!  Momma came out without telling me!!!  What an awesome surprise!  I was just moved to tears!  I couldn't have been happier to see someone in all my life.  She stayed with us until Monday the 21st.  It was just a joy and blessing to have her here.  
Today, Austin was checked by the pediatrician who gave him a clean bill of health.  He had his little heel of his foot pricked for blood tests.  All checked out.  He's a healthy little guy.
Tiffany stopped by to say hello.  It was good to see her.  She wasn't feeling well due to a sinus infection so she didn't stay long, but honestly, it was just good that she came.  Funny thing is that she has really been supportive to me through all this.  Her words of encouragement along the way have been just what I need to hear.  I think sometimes she misses stuff with me and all, but I underestimate her.  Really, she gets it.
Cindy and Rebecca also stopped by.  They brought Austin a wonderful gift of clothes and things he will truly use.  Cindy just spoiled my mom.  She is so sweet.  Rebecca was so cute with Austin in her arms.  I know she will be a great mom when it's her time.
Then things started to die down.  I set up to nurse and we had a good run.  When I was finished, I walked out of the room and down the hall to tell my mom and Brad's parents that they could come back into the room and I think I locked down the exits.  Austin has little tags on his ankles that shut down the hospital if someone tries to get out with him.  I walked past the fire exit and heard a beep and loud click.  OOPS! Better stay in my room!
Dr. Epstein told me I could leave today, but I opted to spend another night.  My pain was still pretty high and I still wanted to take advantage of the lactation nurses who were on duty.  Plus, Brad and I could use one more night of nurses taking care of Austin before we take him home.  So I stayed.  The pain meds helped ease the discomfort, but my back still ached.  
Austin is just so cute.  I hold him and he stares at me.  It's so sweet to look into his little eyes.  I wonder so many things about him.  What will he look like? What will he do? What will be his first words?  What kinds of foods will he like?  So much to think about.  But my hormones are so all over the place.  I cry so much.  I laugh so much.  It's all so weird and new.  Boy, never underestimate what God will do when you tell him you need some excitement in your life!

My Twelve Days of Christmas 2009 - Day 2

Tuesday, December 15th, 2009 - On the second day of Christmas, my Good Lord gave to me the most precious tiny baby.  
So Anna has offered me pain meds and I have informed her that I do indeed want to do the epidural.  So I take the Nubian, and it does help somewhat take the intensity out of the contractions, but let's not be silly here.  They still hurt like a mug.  She then tells me that I can have the epidural when I am ready.  Well, what are we waiting for?  So Dr. Singh comes in and becomes my best friend ever.  Suddenly, my whole body relaxes and I have never felt so tired and relieved.  I can feel the contraction in my body, but there is no pain or uncomfortableness.  I can still move and feel but it's like when your foot falls asleep.  Without the pins and needles.  A very interesting feeling.  
In the meantime, Brad's parents have arrived.  They didn't need to be here at 3 in the morning but here they are.  It's nice to see them and know they are so excited.  
The nurses start preparations to move to the new hospital and they are informing Brad and me about how the transfer will take place. Brad won't be allowed to ride in the ambulance with me because Dr. Raja Chatterji, the lead ob/gyn at Sherman Hospital, is going to be riding with my nurse and me.  They ask Brad to take all my belongings and then the paramedic crew arrives to move me onto a stretcher.  I am one of the first ones to be transferred.  I guess they worry about getting me out of one hospital and into and set up in the other before I go into labor.  Dr. Chatterji was hoping I would deliver on the way.  
Well, unfortunately for Dr. Chatterji, I didn't deliver Austin on the way to the new Sherman hospital.  What I did do was to get sick on the way there.  Something about being flat on your back, covered in fleece blankets, and moving backwards just got me all queasy.  I barfed.  
They wheeled me through all the media set up outside the hospital to document this historic event.  I was really thinking now that I could possibly have the first baby delivered at the new hospital.  Now, my nurse is Becky.  She rode from the Center St. hospital with me.  I have to say that I think she is the greatest.  What a wonderful personality.  Becky tells me that there is a C-section scheduled for 9:30am.  So, it just doesn't seem possible that I will deliver first.  Another woman checked into this hospital when her water broke in the parking lot.  So, I have some stiff competition to even be the first vaginal delivery at this hospital.  It's ok though.  The room is so nice.  I feel comfortable.
So, they get me all situated in the room.  It overlooks the lake.  Pretty nice.  I rest.  Brad leaves to go let the dogs out and get a bite to eat.  His parents stay with me and stare fixated at the monitors.  They watch the baby's heartbeat and the contractions.  I play on facebook.
About 9:30, Dr. Epstein stops by and breaks my water.  I can feel the gush.  It's weird.  Now things should get rolling.  Becky stops in about an hour later to see if I have progressed at all.  When she notices it is still moving pretty slow, she gives me a small amount of Pitocin.  Things start to move but are still pretty slow.  So about noon she ups the dosage a tiny bit.  Then at about 1:00pm, she checks me and I am at 10cm.  Yay!  Now let the pushing begin!
It's weird to push.  You have to grab your thighs from the inside, spread wide, and bear down like you are using the bathroom.  Kinda scrunching up in a tense little ball.  It was hard not to put all the pressure in my face.  Brad stood right by my side and helped me.  He coached me with the counting.  He helped to hold my head up and he gave me the oxygen mask between contractions.  I got the hang of it pretty quick.  When a contraction would come on, I would reach down, grab hold and push.  That was so exhausting.  I really couldn't feel Austin at all.  But they stopped administering the epidural medication so the longer I pushed, the more intense my contractions became.  By the end, it was all pretty uncomfortable.  
During all of this, I tried to pay attention to what was being said by the nurses.  Sometimes it sounded like they were worried that Austin was in distress.  What I gathered is that after my push, Austin's heartbeat would drop.  They would massage his head and try to get him to "wake up".  He was not moving forward the way they wanted him to.  It sounded like they were saying he was stuck against my pelvic bone.  When Dr. Epstein arrived, they decided he could be delivered vaginally but would need the forceps for help.  I pushed with all my might and a few prayers.  Austin arrived at 3:32pm on December 15th.  No c-section needed and though not the first vaginal delivery, the first forceps delivery at the new hospital.  Dr. Epstein was thrilled!  I think he went around telling everyone about his accomplishment.  Maybe he planned it that way the whole time.  Who knows.  
So now Austin was here.  They put him on my chest and I was just overwhelmed.  I couldn't believe that someone that large was living through me.  Amazing.  I can remember the first look I had of him, the look on Brad's face. Priceless.  Then they picked him up and started all their work.  They bathed him, weighed him, measured him, did all kinds of things with him.  All right there next to my bed.  I couldn't take my eyes off of him.  They were still doing all kinds of things to me, too.  Little did I know what kind of "recovery" I was in for, but at that moment, I didn't care.  Little Austin Joseph, red hair glowing, lungs functioning in short sharp baby cries, weighed in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces and measured 20 and a half inches long.  All his tests were good and he seemed healthy as a baby could be.  
His remarkable red hair led me to immediately call my mom.  I could not keep that from her.  As soon as I could reach my phone, I dialed her up.  We were both in unbelief (except that I could see it) that I wuld have a red haired baby.  My mom was just super excited.  We posted to facebook, called the siblings, and then just let the chain flow.  
Once I was all stitched up, They delivered the placenta.  That had to have been the strangest feeling I have ever felt.  Suction!
All the excitement shifted to Brad's parents coming in and then the photos started.  Lots of pics were being snapped all over the place.  No one even considered that I hadn't showered or done my hair in over 24 hours...yik!  But who cares?  I just love looking now at those first snapshots of him.  They really do grow fast.  I rested there for only a brief period of time and then they were taking off my catheter.  The epidural had been stopped and the anesthesiologist came in to remove it so I had no need for the catheter any more.  Once removed, my nurse, Carmie, helped me to the bathroom.  What a mess!  Please, ladies, if you ever have your first baby by vaginal delivery, don't wear your good socks or slippers! She was so kind and helpful.  Then they wheeled me to my own room in the mother/baby unit where I spent the rest of my time at the hospital.
I got into the room, they took all my vitals (again), checked Austin (again), and then gave me some pain meds.  I had to go to the bathroom (again) but really couldn't do it by myself.  So Michelle (my nurse) helped me.  She was really great.  But only there for about an hour of my stay.  Brad left to go get some dinner and check on the dogs and I tried to get some sleep.  It really is difficult to sleep in the hospital.  The bed really made my back and that lovely hemorrhoid the pushing gave me hurt.  I tended to like to sit up in the lounge chair most of the time.  Austin stayed with me pretty much the whole time I was there.  
The lactation specialist came in to check on me and she stayed with me for about an hour.  It was really difficult to get Austin to latch on.  She manipulated my breasts and showed me ways to hold him and hold myself so that he would take to it.  It just all led to frustration.  Plus I knew I really wasn't producing much.  I also knew, from things I had read ahead of time, that the longer I stuck with the breastfeeding, the more milk I would produce.  We'll see.  For now, I just needed to supplement with formula and get some sleep.

My Twelve Days of Christmas 2009 - Day 1

It all started on December 14th, 2009.  That day marks a turning point in my life.  Who knew what would happen that day?  Only the Lord, and I am sure he had it all in the Great Plan of my life from day one.  
Monday, December 14th: The First Day of Christmas my Good Lord gave to me a doctor's appointment that I could not have forseen.  My days up to this point since I've been home from work have been filled with things I've been doing to prepare for Austin's arrival and to relax as this gets more and more uncomfortable.  But today I have an appointment to see when things will be started if they don't start on their own.  It's at 2:30 and Brad is coming home early from work to go with me.  I'm excited and a bit apprehensive about it.  This means that the birth of my little boy is going to happen this week.  Whew!  I hope I am ready for this.  
So Dr. Epstein did an exam on me and it sure did hurt.  I think he may have done that "stripping" thing I have heard them talk about.  Since I left his office, I have been so uncomfortable.  Brad and I are going to eat at Niko's in Huntley and I hope I can sit through it.  
About 7-8pm I started feeling some cramping and discomfort in my lower back.  What could that be?  Hmmm...what did Dr. Epstein do?  Julie called and said that labor was probably starting for me.  Could this be it?  Not really the best timing ever.  The hospital I am registered to deliver in is closing it's doors to open the new location at 7am tomorrow morning and I am sure things are chaotic there.  But this little one may not want to wait for them.  
So Brad and I headed off to bed a bit early tonight.  And around 10:00 the contractions truly started.  I would get one and it was an intense cramping that I cannot really describe.  Not quite a menstrual cramp but not quite like the Braxton Hicks either.  That would last for about 15 seconds and then about a minute or so later another wave of it would start and this was way more intense than the first.  This went on for about an hour and it was about ten minutes between the contractions.  That's when I called the doctor.  Dr. Michael was on call and told me to head to the hospital.  So Center Street Sherman hospital, here we come.  I arrived at the hospital and got all checked in around midnight (give or take).  My nurse was Anna.  She was so cool.  I got all set in the bed and then the contractions were very regular and very intense.  

For the Love of Pugs

Dozer and Dory have no idea what is about to happen.  But all this time, I can't help but wonder if they can sense the change that is coming.  
Dozer was broought to us in May of 2002. He was born January 9, 2002.  So that makes him 18 weeks old when I received him.  The breeders live in Indiana (so he is a Colts fan, boo!) and delivered him to us.  They brought him with one other male pug (who proceeded to poop on my floor right away) and we chose him.  He is almost 8 years old now, and I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have this loyal and lovable guy follow me around the house.
Dory was brought to us on July of 2004.  She was born March 24, 2004.  So that makes her 15 weeks old when I received her.  I guess she would also be a Colts fan, but since she has always seemed to like my husband more, she probably likes the Green Bay Packers, too.  It took me a while to get accomodated to having 2 dogs around, but Dory never let me not love her and now she is just as loved as Dozer.
I have always been a dog person.  I get angry and upset when I watch things about dog abuse or puppy mills or see animals neglected.  I see no reason why a dog should bark incessantly.  I can't understand how people can purchase them and then abandon them.  I have had dogs all while I was growing up and feel that I will have dogs until I am long gone.
And people tell me that I will have more love, a deeper love, an unconditional love for the child growing inside of me than I could ever dream of having for any dog I own now or ever have.  I cannot fathom or wrap my head around this concept.  What does that feel like?  What does that mean?  Will I love my dogs less?  Will I begin to understand why moms put the dog in the back yard and let the yard babysit the dog?  Will I neglect Dozer and Dory?  Will they feel this?
Don't get me wrong, I don't humanize them.  Dory and Dozer are dogs.  They sleep in crates and poop in the grass and shed all over my black clothes (and the sofa and the floor and the bed all year long) and eat kibble out of a bowl and snort and have stinky anal glands.  But don't kids come with issues too?  
So right now, as my two little companions lay at my feet, gently snoring, Dozer laying his chunky body right on top of the heater vent and I look out the window and see snow falling, I just wonder what the future holds.  How will my puggies respond to such a permanent and distracting new member of the family?  Protective and guarding Dozer will probably not let Austin out of his sight.  Determined and cautious Dory will probably want to get a good sniff of the baby before she makes any decisions.  Either way, they are sure to make their opinions known.  
I know that Austin will learn to love dogs as much as I do.

What a day brings...

I don't get invited to much.  Now I'm not looking for a pity party here.  I'm just making a statement.  So today I was listening to one of my coworkers talk about her wedding and another was talking about what she was going to wear to her wedding and I thought a thought.  What makes someone "invitable"?  I don't even know if that is a word.  Invitable.  Are you invitable?  Do you get asked to join others in romps and events much?  I don't.  So, I am wondering what makes me an uninvited.  Is it because I don't really drink much?  Is it because of my age?  Is it because of some sort of glitch in my personality that makes me not desirable to have around?  I wonder if people consider me when they plan things.  "Hey, why don't I invite Janet?"  I don't think so. 
Maybe I don't extend enough of my own invitations to others to create the buzz that I may want to be invited and people assume that I don't want to be included.  Is that a stretch?  I even wonder if at my age it's silly to even think this way.  I mean does my life really need someone to invite me somewhere for me to be happy?  But we all know that as women it is uncomfortable when people plan things and leave out someone. 
So who have I done that to in the past?  Who have I excluded from my plans with others?  Did I consider how this person may feel by that action?  Did it matter to me? 
I may be more considerate about this now.