Well, that's actually kinda funny. See, at 38 years old, you no longer get a summer vacation unless you are a school teacher. Ummm...did I miss my calling or what? That's ok, though. I know that I have enough free time on my hands as it is. So I guess the question is really, "What did Janet do during the summer months of 2008?"
Let's go back to May. BSF, the bible study I participate in, came to a close and it was so sweet. I lead a discussion group for this class. When the class came to a close, the ladies in my group all were very encouraging. I needed to hear this. I think it is so intriguing how God works. See, something happened in a friendship that left me reeling. I wasn't sure what was going on and I just needed to feel God's mighty hand in my life. He did this through the support of other women and people I know. Their uplifting words of grace and truth have carried me through. Needless to say, I have learned so much this summer.
But just when I needed it most, Brad and I went to Las Vegas. I needed nothing more than to get out of town. My emotions were all fuzzed and it was interfering with work. I couldn't think of anything but this friend. Why? What did I do? How do I handle this? Why would God want this for us? Nothing took my mind off this situation more than sharing my time with Brad for 4 days. We had so much fun. It was bonding.
But I still thought of her. I still wanted to get home and hear a message from her. There was none. This is crazy. Still God is intriguing. Life goes on and I moved into a depression that still has a few of its tentacles wrapped around my wrists. Now is when I truly thank God for wonderful counselors. Working with her has taught me that I had so much invested in this friendship that there is no way she could have lived up to my expectations. So what do I do? I pick her apart and point out her flaws and tell lher what irks me about her. Who wants to be a part of that? But what did I do right in this? So many things have spoken to me. Sermons have moved me, books have been written to me, people have said truths that are just too much to hear. I don't know what to do with all this informaiton. I need to sit with is and process it. But see if i do that, I may feel pain and it may take work. So I eat. I shop. I knit. I avoid. I flee. I run. I don't want to talk to you, God. You are mean. You took my friendship and made it a yukky place to be. As I write and read that, I hear that little girl in me. That place that just likes life to be easy. I like things easy.
When did life get hard? What changed? What took me from that barefoot girl riding my bike around the block with my friends to the young woman who only liked herself on the outside? But I digress...
So I work on healing. I work on letting her go. Then in my counselor's office, I pray to God that I release her. I will say it again because I can't say it too much and sometimes I say it more than once a day.
Daddy, My Daddy in Heaven,
I don't know your ways. I just know that my way is in the way. So I must let her go, Lord. I lay this friendship at your feet Lord. I give it to you. It's hard and I don't like it because I don't know what the future has in store. Will you give this back to me sometime? Will you heal me? Will it always hurt me? But I know that you love me and want the best for me. I know you love her and want the best for her. So I give this to you. I trust you with it because I trust you and no longer trust me.
Thank you, Daddy.
Amen
Every time I speak it, write it, pray it, I cry.
