I am having a hard time letting go. "Of what?" you say. Of so many things. I never thought there was so much in my life. That I truly have been given so much. And it's not going away as much as it is changing.
March was a pivotal month. Not that I knew this at the time. My 39th birthday occurred. I had the best month EVER at work in all aspects of what I do. Client satisfaction was high, people booking appointments for their next service before they leave was high, my retail sales were high, my service totals were high, and my own personal satisfaction with what I do was high. It was a great month. Record breaking for me and a moment of opportunity for me to truly say that I had achieved what I wanted to when I was in cosmetology school. I tried to soak it in. I hope I was able to see that my goals can be accomplished because I am a person who can do this. God has been good to me this way. He has blessed me with the gift of perseverance, determination, and resourcefulness that has served me well in this career.
March 31st was the turning point. I made an adult decision (though financial experts would say not a very wise one) to sell the cute, fun and sporty little subcompact, girly, conservatively tricked out car for something more "reliable"! I bought a 2009 Nissan Rogue. Funny thing is that I can comfortably put a car seat and passengers in this car. There is no sub woofer, no lowering springs to take away the smooth ride for a more sporty suspension, no stick shift, no lights that turn from green to purple in the cup holders, just 4 cup holders, flip down rear seats, and this weird little seat belt that hangs in the back from the ceiling. Who knew that I would go from wanting something safer to needing something safer?
Because just 5 days later, I took a pregnancy test that said I was pregnant. With child, knocked up, prego, expecting....how about FREAKED OUT? My whole existence changed in that very moment in time. I went into our bedroom, fell prostrate to the floor and wailed. Now you may be judging me because of my reaction but I have to tell you that I was the notorious childless one. Almost defiantly so. I asked God how His "unchanging" plan for my life could suddenly change. He had comforted me and prepared me to be comfortable with the life He had given me which included a supportive and loving husband, a wonderful career, great pets, close family and a beautiful home. I don't hear children on that list. "So what is this Lord? You give me peace and take it away? How could you change your mind now?" I shouted at Him. I am thankful He is gracious because what He has shown me in the last 4 months is just how big His love is. I have learned that His plan has never changed at all.
He has been preparing me for motherhood for 39 years. Those qualities he gifted me with that helped me to create the career I have always wanted will do well with me for being the guardian for the precious gift He has entrusted with me. I am blessed to have all those comforts He bestowed me to give to this child. It has shown me how much He has truly forgiven me for my past and grown me and moved me into my future.
So now the letting go begins. I have to look at what I have built in my life with new eyes. Eyes that see all the beautiful things God has put before me and know that they are His. I know that now my focus shifts. It shifts from what I have built for my life to what I am building in my life. I have to trust that what I give back to God He will bless. So I give my career to Him now. I give over all my clients, coworkers and the salon. I ask Him to comfort them during this transition, put them in the right hands, and give my coworkers the skills and creativity they've come to love with me.
And all will be well.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
On Second Thought...
I think I do have something to say today. I want to get out of the journaling/diary mode and into some writing. So bear with me as this works itself out over the next few days.
My dogs give me joy. My knitting gives me joy. Seeing stuff in my planters grow gives me joy. And now, feeling my baby growing inside me gives me joy.
I'm on a continuous journey. And it's a journey to joy. That's what I named my baby's website. Journey to joy. I like that my mom suggested the name Joy for our baby if it's a girl. Because that's what this is. Joy. But what if it's a boy? I need names for joy that are masculine. hmmm...
So where did this journey start? I know it's part of God's plan but for me consciously, where did it begin? I think it started in my early 20's when I was forming and developing my methods of coping with difficulties. It progressed into searches for "me" and waking spiritually to different ideas and wisdoms of things greater than me. Searching for answers about truth, life, love and acceptance. All these things formed all the ideals I carry with me now. Some worked and some didn't. Some were scary and some were inviting. But God never let me out of His sight. He kept me flowing and moving closer to Him and the Bible and all the answers I need. It's been the path. I've been on it all along.
Then there are the issues I form about my personal choices to prevent childbirth. Why would I do that? Why would I say I trust God to give me all I need (or not give me what I don't need?) and still choose to use birth control? Now I know this is a sticky subject and there are many opinions about it, but I come from a place in my heart that is what MY JOURNEY is about. I have learned by losing friendships and creating new ones, that I cannot judge anyone else's choice in this. But for me, I feel that I am stepping on God's toes with prevention. So in March of 2007, I took my last birth control pill. I made Brad well aware of this. And since he is not a Christian, I told him that if his choice was to prevent, then he could most certainly do that. He chose not to. I also told him that if we never conceived, I would not consider any treatments, tests or interventions. I felt that God would now work out the details.
Now here's Janet at 17 weeks pregnant. The beginning of the pregnancy was smattered with all things scary. I had friendships fizzle, tests come back to me with weird results, and the possibility that I would miscarry. All these things stealing my joy. So I had to pray, I have to pray everyday, that those things that steal my joy, just go away.
You cannot steal my JOY!
My dogs give me joy. My knitting gives me joy. Seeing stuff in my planters grow gives me joy. And now, feeling my baby growing inside me gives me joy.
I'm on a continuous journey. And it's a journey to joy. That's what I named my baby's website. Journey to joy. I like that my mom suggested the name Joy for our baby if it's a girl. Because that's what this is. Joy. But what if it's a boy? I need names for joy that are masculine. hmmm...
So where did this journey start? I know it's part of God's plan but for me consciously, where did it begin? I think it started in my early 20's when I was forming and developing my methods of coping with difficulties. It progressed into searches for "me" and waking spiritually to different ideas and wisdoms of things greater than me. Searching for answers about truth, life, love and acceptance. All these things formed all the ideals I carry with me now. Some worked and some didn't. Some were scary and some were inviting. But God never let me out of His sight. He kept me flowing and moving closer to Him and the Bible and all the answers I need. It's been the path. I've been on it all along.
Then there are the issues I form about my personal choices to prevent childbirth. Why would I do that? Why would I say I trust God to give me all I need (or not give me what I don't need?) and still choose to use birth control? Now I know this is a sticky subject and there are many opinions about it, but I come from a place in my heart that is what MY JOURNEY is about. I have learned by losing friendships and creating new ones, that I cannot judge anyone else's choice in this. But for me, I feel that I am stepping on God's toes with prevention. So in March of 2007, I took my last birth control pill. I made Brad well aware of this. And since he is not a Christian, I told him that if his choice was to prevent, then he could most certainly do that. He chose not to. I also told him that if we never conceived, I would not consider any treatments, tests or interventions. I felt that God would now work out the details.
Now here's Janet at 17 weeks pregnant. The beginning of the pregnancy was smattered with all things scary. I had friendships fizzle, tests come back to me with weird results, and the possibility that I would miscarry. All these things stealing my joy. So I had to pray, I have to pray everyday, that those things that steal my joy, just go away.
You cannot steal my JOY!
Been Gone Too Long!
Wow! What a journey it's been this year. i started the year by making a resolution to have fun. Who knew where that would take me?
January was of course snowy and cold. I don't remember much of what we did then. I think we did a lot of shoveling, putting away Christmas, and playing with the dogs.
February was my first trip to St. Louis. BSF, my bible study, has a conference for all leaders every three years. This was the year and it was held in St. Louis. I took the train with several other ladies and it was so much fun. What an experience. I encourage everyone to take the train somewhere at least once in their lives. We stayed in a really nice hotel and heard a lot of teaching. Our leader taught on Revelations. Wow! Moving.
Brad and I celebrated our 12th Valentine's day together. It never gets old with him. Every year I love him more and more.
In March I turned 39. I don't know why this year made me feel old. Writing this now, I really feel like...boy you have no idea what's about to come your way. But then, I just felt like there wasn't much to look forward to. I heard all these women saying that when they turned 40 it was like turning 20 all over again. I don't know. I couldn't see it. Hmmmm...just you wait.
And April. A month I won't soon forget. I bought a car. I traded my little fun Scion xA for a Nissan Rogue. I wheeled and dealed and got the price I wanted. I think that's kinda fun. Do the research, and walk in with confidence, knowing that you can walk out at any time.
Then, just 5 days later, April 6, 2009, I took a pregnancy test. Guess what it said! Well, I probably wouldn't be posting it if it weren't "yes". I fell to my knees. I don't know how many of you would be able to relate to this but it just wasn't what I was expecting. I wasn't even sure that's what I wanted it to say. I told Brad that night and he seemed happy. He comforted me and told me we could do this.
So my new journey begins. I called my parents on Good Friday. My mom and dad were (are) so happy. My mom flew out here so she could go to my first doctor's appointment with me. I was so happy to have her here. It enabled me to let go of some of my past stuff and move forward.
Anyway, I am gonna interrupt myself here and come back in a bit because my mind is wandering. Bear with me.
j
January was of course snowy and cold. I don't remember much of what we did then. I think we did a lot of shoveling, putting away Christmas, and playing with the dogs.
February was my first trip to St. Louis. BSF, my bible study, has a conference for all leaders every three years. This was the year and it was held in St. Louis. I took the train with several other ladies and it was so much fun. What an experience. I encourage everyone to take the train somewhere at least once in their lives. We stayed in a really nice hotel and heard a lot of teaching. Our leader taught on Revelations. Wow! Moving.
Brad and I celebrated our 12th Valentine's day together. It never gets old with him. Every year I love him more and more.
In March I turned 39. I don't know why this year made me feel old. Writing this now, I really feel like...boy you have no idea what's about to come your way. But then, I just felt like there wasn't much to look forward to. I heard all these women saying that when they turned 40 it was like turning 20 all over again. I don't know. I couldn't see it. Hmmmm...just you wait.
And April. A month I won't soon forget. I bought a car. I traded my little fun Scion xA for a Nissan Rogue. I wheeled and dealed and got the price I wanted. I think that's kinda fun. Do the research, and walk in with confidence, knowing that you can walk out at any time.
Then, just 5 days later, April 6, 2009, I took a pregnancy test. Guess what it said! Well, I probably wouldn't be posting it if it weren't "yes". I fell to my knees. I don't know how many of you would be able to relate to this but it just wasn't what I was expecting. I wasn't even sure that's what I wanted it to say. I told Brad that night and he seemed happy. He comforted me and told me we could do this.
So my new journey begins. I called my parents on Good Friday. My mom and dad were (are) so happy. My mom flew out here so she could go to my first doctor's appointment with me. I was so happy to have her here. It enabled me to let go of some of my past stuff and move forward.
Anyway, I am gonna interrupt myself here and come back in a bit because my mind is wandering. Bear with me.
j
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