I am having a hard time letting go. "Of what?" you say. Of so many things. I never thought there was so much in my life. That I truly have been given so much. And it's not going away as much as it is changing.
March was a pivotal month. Not that I knew this at the time. My 39th birthday occurred. I had the best month EVER at work in all aspects of what I do. Client satisfaction was high, people booking appointments for their next service before they leave was high, my retail sales were high, my service totals were high, and my own personal satisfaction with what I do was high. It was a great month. Record breaking for me and a moment of opportunity for me to truly say that I had achieved what I wanted to when I was in cosmetology school. I tried to soak it in. I hope I was able to see that my goals can be accomplished because I am a person who can do this. God has been good to me this way. He has blessed me with the gift of perseverance, determination, and resourcefulness that has served me well in this career.
March 31st was the turning point. I made an adult decision (though financial experts would say not a very wise one) to sell the cute, fun and sporty little subcompact, girly, conservatively tricked out car for something more "reliable"! I bought a 2009 Nissan Rogue. Funny thing is that I can comfortably put a car seat and passengers in this car. There is no sub woofer, no lowering springs to take away the smooth ride for a more sporty suspension, no stick shift, no lights that turn from green to purple in the cup holders, just 4 cup holders, flip down rear seats, and this weird little seat belt that hangs in the back from the ceiling. Who knew that I would go from wanting something safer to needing something safer?
Because just 5 days later, I took a pregnancy test that said I was pregnant. With child, knocked up, prego, expecting....how about FREAKED OUT? My whole existence changed in that very moment in time. I went into our bedroom, fell prostrate to the floor and wailed. Now you may be judging me because of my reaction but I have to tell you that I was the notorious childless one. Almost defiantly so. I asked God how His "unchanging" plan for my life could suddenly change. He had comforted me and prepared me to be comfortable with the life He had given me which included a supportive and loving husband, a wonderful career, great pets, close family and a beautiful home. I don't hear children on that list. "So what is this Lord? You give me peace and take it away? How could you change your mind now?" I shouted at Him. I am thankful He is gracious because what He has shown me in the last 4 months is just how big His love is. I have learned that His plan has never changed at all.
He has been preparing me for motherhood for 39 years. Those qualities he gifted me with that helped me to create the career I have always wanted will do well with me for being the guardian for the precious gift He has entrusted with me. I am blessed to have all those comforts He bestowed me to give to this child. It has shown me how much He has truly forgiven me for my past and grown me and moved me into my future.
So now the letting go begins. I have to look at what I have built in my life with new eyes. Eyes that see all the beautiful things God has put before me and know that they are His. I know that now my focus shifts. It shifts from what I have built for my life to what I am building in my life. I have to trust that what I give back to God He will bless. So I give my career to Him now. I give over all my clients, coworkers and the salon. I ask Him to comfort them during this transition, put them in the right hands, and give my coworkers the skills and creativity they've come to love with me.
And all will be well.
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